


Call Me

by I_am_a_Ruin



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Anorexia, Anxiety, Bulimia, Depression, Eating Disorders, Lance (Voltron) Whump, Langst, Panic Attacks, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Vent Piece
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-01-21
Packaged: 2019-10-14 04:31:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17501612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_am_a_Ruin/pseuds/I_am_a_Ruin
Summary: Keith found out Lance is having a rough time and asks Lance to call if it gets bad.





	Call Me

**Author's Note:**

> So. I promise I have an update almost ready for My Thoughts are Always You and for Suffocating in Your Thoughts. They just need some editing and my beta has a really busy schedule. Also I had a really shit day yesterday and needed to write something to get it out of my system so have some of this angsty junk. It's probably really triggering so please proceed with caution. This was a midnight vent that I wrote almost all in one sitting so don't expect it to be good. There's no editing. You all seem to really like when I write in one sitting with no editing though so I mean??

_ “Listen, Lance. The next time you feel like this, just call me, okay? We can talk and… I don’t know if I can help, but maybe I could distract you for a little?” _

 

Lance had always been so frightened of people knowing he was struggling. He didn’t want to be a bother, didn’t want pity, just wanted  _ normalcy…  _ But Keith didn’t baby him after finding out. They didn’t stay the same, but… it was still normal. Keith didn’t ask about food, didn’t demand to know everything that would make happy-go-lucky Lance hate himself so fucking much… he just promised to be there. 

It was strange because his head was trying to warp it just the same as always, tell him it was just a sign that Keith didn’t really care that he just did it out of a feeling of necessity, but… for once Lance didn’t believe that voice. 

If only that could be so easily applied to everything. Because the voice still told him to starve and so he did. He had to. He couldn’t eat because then he’d be fat and if he was fat, surely Keith would stop caring so much. Lance must be getting close to sick because Keith cared. 

That was good. A little more lost and then Lance would be allowed to get better. He’d be allowed to reach out to Keith and Hunk and Pidge and all his friends and ask for help.

He had to lose five more pounds at least though, right?

If only he could stop eating. But he was a fat pig, selfishly putting himself in situations where he’d be forced to eat.

The brownie was fucking mocking him. The thing was eight dollars at least and Lance wasn’t even paying so he couldn’t waste it. It was this nice restaurant and they brought him a huge dollop of whipped cream which he’d insisted they not add… He hadn’t been warned about the ice cream or all that syrup and he was really starting to doubt it was only 700 calories like the menu had said. 

700 calories was way too many fucking calories. He wasn’t even allowed  **500** for the whole day. What had he gotten himself into?

Lance’s foot was shaking, tap tap tapping out the beat of his anxiety. What would he have to do to get rid of these calories?

_ Yeah right like you’re going to actually exercise you lazy slug _

He ate all the brownie and ice cream (not the whipped cream he didn’t like whipped cream and it was so many unnecessary calories but a little had gotten on his brownie so he would count the calories for it anyways). There was no way to get away from Hunk and Pidge long enough to purge though. He couldn’t stop shaking, could hear his stomach every once in a while tauntingly reminding him that he had eaten because it was digesting food so much  _ sugar  _ what was he doing

He was so fake. Had Keith so fooled. Keith really thought there was a problem, but there couldn’t be a real problem if Lance was eating. He had lunch (300 calories), a brownie (700 calories), and he’d be eating dinner because Hunk insisted that Lance come over and it’d probably be 600 calories at least. Lance was such a fake. 

He wanted to die just thinking about all that fatty food in his system, melting in his belly making him curvy, plumping his thighs and swelling his chin. 

Lance was going to have a panic attack; the fear was tightening his chest, making him so terribly sweaty, he couldn’t think. 

Maybe he could call Keith? But how could he call Keith? He couldn’t leave his friends. There was nowhere in this stupid hotel he could go without raising suspicion and he was losing his mind by the second. 

His friends hated it when he put headphones in, didn’t like him ignoring them. They always felt insulted. But Lance couldn’t breathe and right now he preferred fighting with them then letting them see him cry, so he put both in and let “lovely (with Khalid)” by Billie Eilish and Khalid overwhelm him. Sure, he felt more depressed than ever because he always played this song when he was cutting, but at least he could focus more on breathing.

Maybe his friends wouldn’t fight him about the headphones if he pretended to take a nap? Lance was too tired for conversation anyways and it wasn’t like they were doing anything so…

He lay on his stomach and just listened to music with his eyes closed. Lance tried not to think about how they were probably discussing how fat he had gotten and how annoying he always was while he was sleeping and couldn’t hear them. 

_ God you’re so pathetic and fat you know it’d be so much better if you were just fucking dead. At least then you couldn’t keep eating like a greedy pig and getting so fat. No one would even fucking miss you. You think any of them actually care? You’re just a burden. _

Wow, Lance was thinking about dying again? Shit. He had known he’d been heading down the wrong road for awhile now but… it hadn’t occurred to him he’d gotten so bad. Sure he had thoughts of suicide every once in awhile but he’d never act on them. Right now he actually hated himself so much he genuinely… he didn’t care if he died. A murderer could break into this room and shoot him and he’d actually be happy about it. 

Fuck. 

Lance opened his eyes and took in the room. Pidge and Hunk were crowded around a small table and staring intently at Pidge’s laptop. They were pretty preoccupied. They might not even notice if he slipped out. Lance swiped his phone up from the nightstand, unplugged his headphones and tossed them on the bed before creeping out the door. Not a peep from those two who were seriously engrossed in a discussion with tech jargon that made Lance’s head swim.

Once he was on the opposite end of the hall, near the stairs, he dialed Keith’s number.

It rang.

And rang.

And rang.

And rang.

Nothing. 

Voicemail.

No no no no no 

Lance wanted to bash his head in. Keith probably saw his number and decided he didn’t feel up to dealing with Lance’s shit right now. And Lance was stupid enough to think Keith cared.

Lance needed to do  _ something  _ and desperately pulling at his hair, running his palms over his face roughly, and pulling pulling pulling more wasn’t helping.  __ Rip his skin open, but he didn’t have a blade and his nails were too short to hurt. Jump out the window, but it wasn’t high enough. Purge.

That he could do. His friends hadn’t noticed he was missing. He could just slip back down to the lobby and use the restroom down there.

Lance took the stairs as fast as he could, wishing he could be down there an hour ago. At this rate he probably wouldn’t be able to get anything up. But he had to try, needed to do something. If that didn’t work he’d just take the stairs until he passed out.

His hand was on the bathroom door handle when he heard his phone start ringing.

God, of all the time’s to call him. He pulled his phone out of his pocket, so ready to send it to voicemail but it was Keith….

“He…” His voice was too soft. Keith probably couldn’t hear him. Did Lance sound obviously on the verge of tears? “Hello?”

“Hey, Lance. Sorry I missed your call. I couldn’t find my stupid phone. What’s up?”

Hang up, he shouldn’t have taken the call. That was such an obvious lie.

_ He just felt guilty for ignoring you because he’s too nice. Keith doesn’t really care don’t bother him don’t bother him lie lie lie so you can purge if you talk to long you won’t be able to and then you’ll fail.  _

Except Keith was kind of an asshole. Not… really? But it was hard for him to actually handle human emotions in other people so he tended to just avoid them altogether. Run for the hills at the first sign of tears in a stranger. But he was actually trying with Lance. And that meant something.

“Do I need to come get you?” Keith asked, voice suddenly much more serious and less casual than it had been a moment ago. Lance had been silent too long, confirmed Keith’s suspicion that something was wrong. Which was exactly what he wasn’t supposed to do, right? Was it?

He didn’t know what to do. He just knew he was shaking so hard and he was so afraid of himself and so tired of feeling so awful and alone all the time. 

“You don’t have to talk. Look, I’ll hang up and you can just text me your address. I can head right over, no problem. I could use a break from my house anyways.” Keith said and then hung up.

Lance stared at his phone. Hunk and Pidge would get worried right? He could always lie and say Keith needed help with a Kosmo emergency… It wouldn’t be the first time. Besides. They’d be busy with that project for hours and Pidge was meant to be in town for another week so it wasn’t like they’d be missing him right now.

He sent the address and waited by the doors so he could spot Keith’s dark red vehicle. It was pretty easy to tell apart from other cars because of how obviously it was made by Keith. 

When Lance slid into the passenger seat, Keith passed him his phone to play music on. Lance blinked at his friend, startled, as Keith pulled out of the hotel parking lot. Keith never let anyone look at his spotify. Everything on his account was private. They all knew it was because Keith was emo trash and was trying to avoid a harsh teasing from his friends if they ever got proof of it, but still. Keith was allowing him to actually look through a playlist?

Keith raised his eyebrows after several moments passed without music and glanced over at Lance. “Music just helps me… think. So I thought, you know, for you...”

Lance looked back at the phone and started scrolling through it for something he might recognize. The majority seemed to be anime soundtracks so he clicked out to a different playlist. The first song on the next playlist was “Cough Syrup” by Young the Giant. He wrapped his arms tightly around himself once the first notes began to play and stared pointedly out the window. Keith didn’t comment. The moment the chorus hit, Keith turned the music up louder and Lance really appreciated it. Keith said music helped him think. Music did the opposite for Lance. It was the only thing that could shut his brain up. The louder it was, the more it drowned out.

Somehow being around Keith without Keith demanding conversation… just having the company was really soothing. Lance suspected Keith was waiting for any cues from Lance about what he wanted to do, but there was no pressure. It was nice because Lance was really tired of always being in control. For once, it wasn’t scary letting Keith decide what to do. And Keith just drove aimlessly. Lance should do this more. 

“You’re not actually that bad at this.” Lance managed to say after a few songs had played.

Keith chuckled but didn’t take his eyes off the road. “I haven’t done anything.”

Lance shook his head, unsure how to communicate how untrue that was so he just fell silent again. 

“Well, I’m glad you called me. I’m sorry it took me so long to get back to you. Of all the times for me to lose my phone…”

“Your timing was perfect. I was about…” Lance swallowed hard, fingers digging into his arms. 

_ Pathetic pathetic pathetic pathetic pathetic pathetic _

“Lance, it’s okay.” The car had stopped along the side of the road. Lance didn’t remember him pulling over. “Whatever your head is saying isn’t true.”

Lance didn’t mean to scoff, but wow, what a lie. Even if Keith did care, which was so implausible, everyone thought Lance was pathetic. It was just fact. His jokes were terrible and grating, he was annoying and obnoxious, and he was pathetic. 

“What are you thinking?” Keith asked, unbuckling his seatbelt so he could look at Lance properly. His eyes were so serious. 

Lance couldn’t bear to meet his gaze so he focused on his hands wringing in his lap. “I’m pathetic.”

“See, it’s not true. You are not pathetic. Anything else?” Keith shrugged. Lance’s head snapped up, baffled.

“What?” 

“You’re not pathetic, Lance.” It was so easy for Keith to say and Lance didn’t believe him for a second but God he wanted to.

“But-” 

Keith sighed, realizing a simple denial wasn’t going to be good enough, “The word pathetic means something like… pitiful? Yeah? I don’t see someone who is pitiful. You’re a strong person, crazy strong. Reaching out to me was really hard for you to do, right?” 

Lance nodded.

“Yet, you still did. And you picked up even though me not answering the first time probably felt like a rejection. You struggle with academics but you  _ never  _ let that deter you. You study harder than anyone I’ve ever met. You’ve never been pathetic, Lance.” 

Lance looked back down, face flushing. “And you say you’re bad at this.”

“Do you want to keep talking?” Keith when Lance didn’t continue speaking. 

“Yeah, but… I don’t really think it will help? I don’t know. It’s just that I hate myself so much and I wish I didn’t but I do and… I don’t know how you could stop that.” Lance mumbled, fingers digging into his nail beds and running over his wrists as his anxiety started to spike again.

“I didn’t mention this last time but… would you be completely opposed to seeing a therapist?” Keith reached forward, pulling Lance’s hands away from each other. 

“I guess not.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for that crappy ending.  
> I'm feeling a lot better today, so please don't be too concerned. ED's can just be a real bitch. Please take care of yourselves guys. If you're reading this, have a glass of water <3  
> Comments are extremely appreciated.  
> Have a good day, folks.


End file.
